Getting to know her...

Dear God,

Its been close to a fortnight since K3 walked into my life. Many a long-winding & worrying nights, endless calls to the call center and frustrating follow-ups later, she was vanquished. Like for a true conquest, I battled hard. In retrospect, it was a mutiny worth the fight.

She got introduced to folks that matter the most in my life – Mom and Dad. It took me a while to start operations – maybe it was overwhelming work pressure or maybe I just wanted to let her be for some time. Nevertheless, a fortnight into the household, I decided to explore the beauty.

I’d picked the Black variant. The palmtop comes matt-finished with blunt curves on the sides. The Amazon logo atop her is almost inconspicuous until under light. The inaugural page is an illusion of sorts; you can never tell that that’s the screen. It carried an image of a boy sitting under a tree, seeming to read. At first glance, it appeared to be a sticker that needed to be peeled off to reveal the screen. I immediately realized that the screen protection was already on and there was no need for a sticker.

So I picked up the manual to take the first steps. The power-on switch slides to boot the K3 and Lo! & Behold! the screen lights up displaying the beautiful inaugural screen content. Black & White has its own charm, doesn’t it? A peer noted, “arrey, black and white hai?” As a strong comeback, I retorted, “Monochrome”! Not that it made a difference but I hated his tone.

I didn’t want to go any further than appreciating her. The dimly lit screen, monochrome, content etc all had the makings of an actual book. “Abbey, touch screen nahi hai kya?” the dude concluded after exploring the K3 on the screen. Thank God for the screen protection or I would have reduced him to pulp for having touched my K3. “Nahin re, why even touch her?” said I. What the heck is it with this Touch-Generation? I’d prefer giving my K3 her space. No touch!

The manual on the K3 is exhaustive enough, may not exploring the book that came along with her. Besides, for starters, I think reading the instructions on the K3 helps you maneuver and know her quickly. How I wish you'd made women with that provision! :-))

I browsed some of the pages to get hands-on. I was in for a rude shock when I tried using the Wi-Fi option. It just wouldn’t recognize the router at home. Every attempt returned a "Unable to connect to wi-fi network. Your Kindle is unable to connect to the Wi-Fi network "NETGEAR" (my wireless router). Would you like to try again or manually set up this network?" This was painful. The option of ‘Set up a network’ also wouldn’t yield any results. I logged a complaint at the Call center (they don’t have a local number, alas!). Within hours, I had a response from them. On a Sunday, that was exemplary customer service, I thought. Not that their response was anything besides what I knew already. It didn’t help. In the meantime, I wrote to a couple of friends to see if they could shed some light.

I packed her back into the sloppy package she came with. When tried at a friend’s place later that evening, she worked. BRILLIANT! I was able to connect to the web. I ensured that by looking a few books up on Amazon. She did bring some bit of latency, understandable. I dashed out of there to take my next step in the review – reading.

It is easy to download a book from the virtually zillion free titles (of renowned authors, mind you) available on the Internet. So I chose a collection of short stories for the laptop and therefore onto the K3 using the USB she came with. No hiccups there either. PDF is the best version to view books in.

I started out by operating the keys on the book. It is difficult to move from one page to another, with several in between. Let me demonstrate why so. To be able to go from Page 1 to Page 30, you need to:

1. Press Menu

2. Select Go To

3. Press Sym to bring up the Number pad.

4. Select 3 and then move 6 places to 0.

5. Press Sym to close the Number pad.

6. Select Page and then you are in Page 30

Now this is definitely harrowing especially after having worked on and gotten used to several user-friendly applications/software. The feeling is akin to telling time off a Binary watch!! Tedious, to say the least.

I moved on to exploring the pages. To change settings, for example, the view:

1. Press Aa to bring up the view settings.

2. The existing setting is unreadable by naked eye and has to be set to ‘Fit to screen’.

3. Move the cursor using the arrow keys until you reach the desired option.

4. Select the option.

5. There is hardly any difference between the Lightest and the darkest options. They yielded the same results.

6. While visibility improves with increase in font size, sentences spill over. The Right arrow key needs to be engaged to move to Page 2. If you let this process get the better of you, wait till you lose track of the start and end of the sentences.

7. Maybe ‘Portrait’ works, I thought. So I tried the Axes of rotation. The only difference that brought about was it accommodated longer sentences but bits still spilled over.

So far, I have gotten a feeling that the K3 was built on process maps, you know, the kinds with Steps 1 through 100 to perform one mental action! I must admit, though, that reading minus the aforesaid is a true pleasure, nevertheless. The texture of the fonts, the ‘dim-clarity’ and of course, the Monochrome gives you the feeling of holding an actual book. While the page flip and the fragrance of a new book are missing, what the heck?! I am contributing to ‘Go-Green’, aren’t I?

In the interim, I gathered that the net connectivity issue may be attributed to an ‘IP-conflict’. You see, the router was external and settings were changed when installed. For now, I am going to leave it at that and enjoy reading the 350 pages to make more review notes.

Like the domestic spars that add the spice to life, I know these little challenges are okay with me. This love affair will bash on regardless…..

More later…

उम्मीद से दुगना

Dear God,

The K3 is here!!! And I am loving it!!!

I had serious doubts I would have the K3 despite Gentlemen’s words, promises from Times, AWB tracking etc. As I prepared to go home to “No K3”, a confirmation call from home hailed the arrival of the K3. Yes! the K3 had arrived, my K3 had arrived!!!

She had been waiting for me when I returned. I hadn’t expected fireworks or fancy packaging especially after a fellow blogger’s note. After a bit of struggle with the excessive but secure taping, I opened the box and there she was, in all her glory. The Amazon logo appeared to be smiling, a sense of victory overcame. For now until the end of this week, I am going to feel, admire and savour it. I will, in the meantime, run through the manual. Certainly, an affair to remember…

Salary hadn’t been credited until late evening. Word was that it might be delayed this time around. But it did as I looked up the K3.

“उम्मीद से दुगना”....:-)

My misery continues....

Dear God,

Recall I’d vowed to be nice, calm and composed a while ago or at least make an attempt. I thought I was doing fairly well until today. I came short of calling someone’s mother and father names. Guess what brought that about – our own unreliable, FRAUDULENT Indian Times Shopping.

A couple of days ago, I was assured I’d see the K3 on Sat this week. Given Times Shopping’s reputation, I decided it might be worth the call and time to give a reality check. So, I called their world-class call center earlier today. Here goes:

I: Hi, I am calling to check the status of my order.

Rep (with a typical North Indian, snobbish, I-don’t-care-a-damn tone): Sir, before that can I have your order number?

I: I don’t have that handy; can you look it up using my phone number?

Rep: What’s your phone number?

I: XXXXXXX851.

Rep: The order was placed in the name of S. Vyankatesh (!?!?!?) for the ‘All new Amazon Kindle 3 WiFi’. The order was placed on the 15^th of November.

For some reason, every rep I’ve talked to so far has always responded in the exact, aforementioned way to my phone number. Is it my phone number? Is the number weird? Does the phone number drive them mad? Clearly, my name is alien to them Northies. They cannot, for the love my life, cannot pronounce South Indian names correctly (read my previous blog on Newscasters, July)

I: That’s right. Has the product been dispatched yet?

Rep: Sir, I would like to tell you that the order is out of stock and so could not be dispatched on time.

I: What?? Why didn’t you tell me about it? Please get me someone senior in your function.

Rep: Sir, even they will say the same thing.

I: I don’t care Ma’am. I need the product delivered tomorrow as promised to me on the 22^nd.

Rep: Sir that is not possibal Sir (exactly the way she responded)

I: I am willing to hold the line, get me your supervisor.

Rep: Sir, Hum aise call nahi de sakte hain.

I: Ma’am, I need to know the status now.

Rep: Sir, aap please line pe bane rahiye, Main iska kuch pata lagati hoon.

Dear God, I was at my wit’s end. I could have seriously whacked that woman to pulp. Vow! Vow! Vow! I regained my calm. I endured the terrible cacophonic Hold tone for a good 15-20 minutes. Silence! The call was disconnected!!!!! That is it. Another call and this time I was going to be rough…

Some wisdom retained in me suggested that I call the Vendor instead. I gave out the product’s details and left my phone number at theirs. I was assured that I would be called back in 10 minutes and that it was a Gentleman’s word.

So I got off phone and called Times again, this time with vengeance.

I: My order number is 201011140829532. My name is Venkatesh and my phone number is XXXXXXX851. I am checking on the status of my order. Has the product been dispatched?

Rep: Thank you Sir and this is your order of the ‘All new Amazon Kyndle (Now that’s a new variant, I hope my Kindle 3 is in safe hands) 3 WiFi, correct Sir?’ (Also, I thought I had saved time by announcing every bit before she asked. I was wrong. The broad still had to remind me of what I purchased).

Now, exactly how does one read that – statement, proclamation, question…? I chose to be neutral.

I: Right

Rep: How can I help you with the order number Sir? (!!!!!!!!)

If I had a sledgehammer in my hand and the rep in person, I would have made a paste out of her. Why for sanity’s sake would she ask me that question?

I (cold): Ma’am, I want the product to be delivered tomorrow, Saturday.

Rep: Sir, but that is not possibal sir (again!?!?!). We don’t deliver on Saturdays. (Can you beat that?)

I: Look Richa, if you were a customer that’s placed an order online, made payments and yet were jostled around, how would you feel? I need an answer and I need it now.

Rep: Sir, I understand. Let me speak to my supervisor. Please wait.

Cacophony ensues….the pathetic hold tone will ring in my ears for the rest of my life as a sound reminder of the travesty made of me.

Male voice:

I: Sorry, I didn’t get your name.

Male voice: Sir, I am Sudheer. I understand you placed an order for the ‘All new Amazon Kindle 3, WiFi’ on the 15^th of November and you haven’t received it, right Sir? (quick learner, that Idiot!)

I: Right.

Sudheer: Sir, I would like to inform you that the Vendor has not dispatched the product yet. We have the vendor’s details but no intimation from them that the product has been dispatched. In this regard, you will have to speak to the vendor directly.

Before I could say something, the Vendor called. I decided to take that call instead.

Rohit: Hi Sir, this is Rohit.

I: Hi, what news do you have for me?

Rohit: Sir the news is that you will have the K3 on Tuesday next week.

I: Rohit, I have been given the run around for the last two weeks. Every time I called, a new version has been conveyed to me. Exactly, why do you think I should trust you this time? Can you expedite it?

Rohit: Sir we don’t have the product yet and hence the delay. But I assure you, you will have the product on Tuesday.

I: Rohit, I am positive I will have to call you again on Tuesday. So give me a direct line to you and your last name please.

Rohit: Sir, my name is Rohit Shah and I am on 022-XXXXXX32

I: Rohit, I will take it as a Gentleman’s word that I will have the K3 on Tuesday.

Rohit: Sure Sir, I am sorry for any inconvenience caused to you.

I: Take care, bye.

Dear God, how in your name do I trust these filthy, low-lying, crawling, gutless, spineless jelly fishes? I swear to you, kick me in my posterior if I give them a second chance.

Screams of faulty products, delayed delivery, returned & no refund etc. on Consumer complaints online only underpin my experience thus far. I do not want to belong there, so help me God.

nomoreshopping.indiatimes.com

Dear God,

Don’t look up that site, will not lead you anywhere. It is just a take on my frustration. A week has passed since I placed the phone order at Times Shopping.

On 15^th November, I was assured that the K3 would be at my doorstep within 7 working days. 17^th Nov, I receive an address/payment verification call. Even before I could ask the TAT to delivery, the woman hung up on me! I called every single day after that to check on the status. Trust me you don’t want to talk to the agents at their Contact center. No adjective can measure up the pathetic service they provide.

The IVR announces option 2 for English. But believe me, the folks at the contact center do not understand Language, forget English. It took me very little time to switch to Hindi hoping for a better response. However, as bad luck would have it, the better response was only a better-sounding response. All of them said the same thing. It appears they have a script that runs on a ticker that they have to parrot all the time. One of the women I spoke to gave me a crash course on how to calculate 7 working days from the 15^th. She insisted that today would be the 7^th day and I could expect it today. As on Saturday last, the K3 had not been dispatched.

Anyway, during the course of these harrowing encounters with the Contact center, I learnt that delivery of the product will happen 7 working days after the verification call. Hello! How about educating a customer? Forget it, they needed education themselves, I said to myself.

Also, Times Shopping seems to have a crude and cheap sense of humour. After every despicable interaction, a prompt SMS, “You have spoken to ___, please reply with a Yes if you are satisfied with the service provided or No if you are not” follows. I had a strong mind to reply with a No with detailed reasons. I didn’t. And now in retrospect, I think that was sensible or I would have had to do that for each of the 7 calls I made at theirs.

By the way, I also had this brainwave in the interim, to find out the vendor and his contact so I could check directly with them for the status. Luck couldn’t be any unkind. The vendor’s phone keeps ringing off the hook. So nothing worked here as well.

My worst fears were ignited when I noted a complaint by a fellow soul, equally frustrated and vexed with Times. His complaint read Fraud in all glory. In probing, I found out that he hadn’t received an order placed over a quarter ago. Great!

Today is Day 7. A week has passed. It would be asking for too much to get the K3 today, tomorrow or the day after. They had a reputation to live up to.

I have been shortchanged enough already. The K3 continues to elude me….All I can do is rely on the old Hindi adage, “उम्मीद पे दुनिया कायम है|”!!

An affair to remember....

A rage was about to kindle…

Of books and rolls to handle…

Newspapers and journals alike…

Mp3, browser and the like…

With Wifi and 3G…

On a palmtop that was mine to be…

Amazon and eBay, I was on…

To buy this toy, cute and coy…

A midget of a gadget…

Dear God,

What began as eye candy turned into manic obsession. I just couldn't get over the widget. The Kindle had certainly taken a toll. Routine had been redefined with research and more research of the ethereal beauty. Monochrome albeit, she was worth a thousand millihelens. Of course, the tryst was not devoid of the skeptics who pried for comic relief out of my pursuit.

For a brief while, I had to weigh options too. A week-long scout brought the scuffle down to the Kindle, the iPad, the Nook and Mother India’s Wink.

Round 1

The iPad is an all-rounder with the ease of Touch. At 32,000/-, 16 GB memory, fingerprint-proof, 3G & WI-Fi, ability to download thousands of apps and more, it appeared to be the clear favorite. What did it in was that it is not exclusive. Technology will die its death sooner than later with gadgets providing all-round performance. If the death has to be slower, exclusivity has to be maintained. Okay, now that is my philosophy. So, the K3 moved onto the next round.

Round 2

The aesthetic Nook, a cousin, came with similar features but also had the flexibility of user-replaceable battery. Wonder why the K3 should be deprived of this feature. Moreover, the Nook catered to the “colour-crazy”. The K3 bashed on, regardless. The Text-to-speech, a feature of the K3 is reminiscent of Chitti narrating a bed-time story to put us to sleep. I am a big fan of ‘Black and white’, a quality that is lacking even in the way we lead our lives.

Round 3

A certain broad reminded me of the Wink from namma Bengaluru. Apart from its ability to support a multitude of formats, 15 languages, expandable memory (up to 16 GB), it’s biggest selling point is it is Indian. A snapshot of this slick looker on the net promotes content in Hindi too. I had almost made up my mind. The price was slightly higher and the K3 felled the Wink down. Again!

And so, the K3 won the title. From eye candy, it was soon to become my arm candy. But wait, the romance had just begun. I now had to work on the logistics – costs (esp. Shipping, Customs, VAT etc). Ordering it online from Amazon.com presented with difficulties. I didn’t have a credit card and that required me to create some Netcafe account that converted my Debit card into a temp credit card. That sounded complicated.

Chuck it! I said and sought a friend’s help with eBay. He explained a fairly simple but multi-layered procedure to ship the product home. It involved a third party website that was able to pick the product from within the US and shipping it home. He seemed to have a way with the Customs’ fees too. Looked cool! So we started working on the MRP, conversion, freight etc and prospective sellers on eBay with the best rate. After a productive effort combing the enterprise, we firmed up a couple of sellers and left them messages seeking clarifications.

It was the end of the day and I still hadn’t placed the order. I knew a harrowing and frustrating weekend was on the cards. Patience hadn’t done any good to anyone, me neither. I slept little, got onto eBay and found another prospect with a better price. Since I was a first timer, didn’t make sense to leap. So I messaged this good friend for an opinion. Obviously, to expect that the world was up at a time I was, was unwise by a mile. He didn’t respond. It was killing!

And then your divine intervention got me an SMS from another good friend reporting an advertisement in TOI on the K3. Yes! K3 could be procured here too. Yes! Yes! Yes! I love my India. So I called them to place the order. Customer Service of TOI hardly exists. I required a few clarifications and I was put through the misery of speaking to 3 different supervisors with hardly any knowledge of terms like Whispernet. In fact, one of them: “What Whispernat?” One other had the cheek to tell me that newspapers can’t be downloaded, that ‘Whispernat’ was Amazon’s ‘Internat’ etc. I gave up, hung up and called them again, this time to place the order without the questions.

Day 3 and I get a call from Customer Support for address verification. The K3, my own Kindle 3 is not far away, I guess!

Dear God, I will keep updating you on the review as it happens….

Woh jab yaad aaye, bahut yaad aaye....

Dear God,

The year 1992 got us our first ever cassette player. Appa played a certain Md. Rafi to herald the 'music-mad' family we were to become over time. Of course, Doordarshan and All India Radio rendered works by Rafi Sahab on their archetypal shows/stations. Somehow though, Chitrahaar, Chhayageet or Hawa Mahal couldn't do justice, or so it seemed, to the quantum of this talent.

So what is Rafi Sahab all about? I will retain the present tense and maintain that He lives, through his works. A phenomenon that launched long and successful careers, an event spanning almost 40 years and a statement that will never go out of fashion for eons.

Chaudvin ka chand ho ya aftaab ho,

Jo bhi ho tum Khuda ki kasam,

Lajawaab ho....

Certainly, Rafi's services had to be called upon for Guru Dutt to impress Waheeda Begum. Rafiesque to put the Moon and the Sun to shame, and Rafiesque to make you believe that it was Guru Dutt's rendition on screen. This song amongst scores of others made me feel that Rafi Sahab's contribution was akin to Ghost writing. He did the work and someone else got the credit!

...tumne mujhko hansna sikhaya,

rone kahoge ro bhi denge....

Who would've thought "Junglee Shammi" could cry? Rafi Sahab made it possible. Even as I typed those lines, moist blinded visibility. Shammi Kapoor's roles, as we've known them, were of the typical Jamboree. Jumping off cliffs, rolling down snow capped mountains, chasing novice leading ladies on-screen....all of these and many other happy-go-lucky, devil-may-care traits had come to epitomize Shammi Kapoor. To see him cry or mellow may not have been the exact picture in one's mind. It took a Rafi Sahab to turn that around. Shammi Kapoor could emote too...

....kar chalein hum fida,

jaan-o-tan saathiyon,

ab tumhare hawale watan saathiyon...

If this bit did not levitate the patriot in me, nothing else could. A post Sino-Indian war Ballad to stir men to devotion, worship; to fondly remember the undying commitment of martyrs.

...barbadiyon ka sokh manana fizool tha

barbadiyon ka jashn manata chala gaya,

har fiqr ko dhunye main udata chala gaya...

This lilting sonnet reiterates the philosophy of take it easy, come what may. Coupled with Rafi's Sahab's talent, it couldn't have been more relevant than it is today. With all the difficult times around, the song is as close to profundity as it gets.

...More Tum Been Bigare Sagare Kaaj

Binatee Karat Hoo, Rakhiyo Laaj

Man Tarapat Haree Darshan Ko Aaj....

Rafi Sahab's rendition of this dhrupad brings alive the legendary Baiju Bawra. Rafi learnt classical music from Ustad Bade Ghulam Ali Khan, Ustad Abdul Wahid Khan, Pandit Jiwanlal Matto and Firoze Nizami (source Wikipedia). This song picturized on Bharat Bhushan is delivered with an enviable panache and realizes the pain described by the said to earn a glimpse of Your Divinity.

...nain lad jainhe to manavaa mein kasak hoibe kari

delivered prem kaa chhuti hai pataakhaa to dumak hoibe kari nain lad jaihe..

Yet another testimony to Rafi Sahab's versatility. An incredibly racy song with totally convincing Bhojpuri accent. 

Just some of the songs that come to mind to describe this phenomenon. Like the proverbial drop in the ocean, there are innumerable songs that a blog cannot contain.

There have been folks who draw comparisons with Talat Mehmood, Kishore Kumar, Manna and the like. Futile, sheer waste of words. These pseudo-intellectuals appear to force-fit their imaginations to prove a point. To me, Rafi Sahab was, is and will remain a bundle of talent, a versatile package. His ability to deliver classical, romantic and inspirational songs is unparalleled. I gather that his talent extended to regional languages too. Therefore, any comparison is felony. Every other artist has been a specialist. Rafi is also a specialist, a specialist in diverse genres. He is nothing short of a divine intervention.

"Nothingnesses" like Rajendra Kumar, Dharmendra, Jeetendra would all be thankful to Rafi Sahab for their launch and flourish. Thanks to his songs on them, they became what they did. Even today, we identify them through Sahab's voice alone. In sharp contrast, his songs for the only true actor Dilip Kumar, the great Sanjeev Kumar and the like, only added to their screen presence and talent.

Thank you Appa for introducing us to this Legend. And Thank You Rafi Sahab, for those immortal songs.

31 years post his demise, a fellow blogger quotes:

"Na fankar tujhsa tere baad aaya, Mohd Rafi tu bahut yaad aaya…"

Moral of the story is....

An elderly gentleman is found unconscious on the pavement lining a grocery store. A crowd quickly huddles around the man discussing possibilities of who it could be, what may have happened etc. The man is bleeding profusely from the hit on his head. Fortunately, amongst the crowd is a well-wisher. He rushes to the man's place to inform his folks.......

Dear God,

That Gentleman is my father, my Appa. As you are aware, he suffered that fall that fateful day owing to low blood sugar levels. I rush to the site. It is pitiable to see Appa lying by the closed shutter of a shop on the pavement. The blood on his head makes me even more nervous. Actually, I turn numb. Voices around me are advising that we shouldn't have let him go alone, some suggesting that I call 108, some pressing me to take him home. But in a moment, I gather myself and wake him up. He cannot speak! He looks around and at me utterly confused. I coax him to talk, he mutters something! He refuses to recognize me. In fact, he shrugs me off. I quickly hail an auto and rush to the Hospital.

I still recall a cousin's death due to Asphyxia sometime ago. Although we were told it was sudden, truth is, she had a history before that tragic night, one that we were not aware of. Her husband couldn't do anything to help her because finances were modest. He also chose not to call us because he had sought our help on multiple occasions previously and didn't want to bother us anymore. Now that is seriously pathetic - not to be able to save someone owing to lack of money, isn't it? It feels terrible.

Anyway, there were quite a few significant learnings out of Appa's episode. Top on the list is the keyword INSURANCE. Honestly, I never thought of insurance as an investment (not monetarily, mind you), as a life-saving investment. God, that may not always save lives but it does take away the pressing tension of bills that result out of hospitalization, medicines, tests.... It is a weird dichotomy to fight illness with no money in hand. Getting back to Appa, he is discharged from the Hospital and thankfully, his small savings come handy to pay for the 48-hour IP bills.

Three days into recovery, he complains of pain around the rib cage. The consulting doctor recommends several tests - Cholesterol, TMT, Echo etc. A cardiologist notices a halt in the graph and to rule out eventualities, prescribes some more tests. Hospitals today operate for Business and therapy (definitely and only in that order). So if the Hospital knows you are covered, that means an eternal stay in the Hospital. In Appa's case, we had to press the Doctors to relieve him sooner because he had no coverage. Another trick up their sleeves at Hospitals, "No discharge on Sundays" ensures an extra day's squeeze out of the patients. The consulting Doctor puts in a word and relieves Appa.

So, Learning # 2: Read a lot. Be aware of ailments, diseases, infections etc. The reading is not to show off, not to contest the knowledge of Doctors but to be prepared. Yet again, thanks to you and your blessings, it turns out to be an injury from that terrible fall. The pain has subsided but does present itself at times when he exerts.

The Grocery store owner tells me that Appa was smoking before he lost his presence of mind. That is a sticky situation to deal with, especially if someone sneaks out to smoke. Not as if we hadn't pushed him enough not to, he didn't seem to get it. I had stopped urging him, figured it had to come from within. Anyway, last but the most significant lesson, know and take care of yourself. It is important to understand what your body can take and what it cannot. Past your prime, the only asset you have is your life. As it is, there are various challenges to deal with. Health issues only aggravate it.

The episode was more than eye-opener. Dear God, you have always helped me silently. You are the best Teacher.

Thank you.

Class: Reptilia

Dear God,

A snake was found recently at the CWG complex. Of course, that made International headlines. Here are a few reactions:

- Rajdeep Sardesai - Our channel was the first to track the snake down in the complex and report it. We now have clinching evidence that the snake is pregnant. In an exclusive, he or she or it reveals it all!

- Karan Thapar - So you are saying a snake was found in the complex, that it was a black snake, that snakes are reptiles, that you will do anything to get it out of there..............

- Ms. Sheila Dixit - Of course, it was our plan. We wanted to bring about the 'Incredible India' factor. Snakes represent us, don't they? Did you like the plan?

- Suresh Kalmadi - This snake was found at least three years ago, Mr. Mani Shankar Iyer did not do anything about it.

- MS Iyer - Kalmadi is a Thammadi!

- Congress - This is BJP's conspiracy.

- BJP - This is Congress' conspiracy.

- Pak High Comm. (of all!)- We and our players feel insecure travelling to India!

- Pres. Obama - That is a Black Mamba, belongs here in the USA. I promise huge tax cuts if you keep our snakes here at home. Yes, we can!!

- The Taliban -We take responsibility. If you don't meet our demands, we will release more into the complex to wreak havoc during the games.

- Mallika Sherawat - Hisssss......

.........if God were on Twitter

Finally, after all the bickering and the cribs from me that Dear God put up with......

Dear Ram,

Thought I'd let you know that I am now on Twitter. Do add me, easy to look me up - @The Real God..

Some of the tweet highlights:

1. Officially on Twitter. You can't be serious!! You want me to sum my creation up in 140 characters, kidding me?

2. Watched Inception last night, left me baffled. Had to call upon Sigmund to interpret the movie.

3. Didn't pay for the movie ticket, does that amount to piracy?

4. On women - Still figuring out the Taxonomy, classification, genus....to me a different species altogether.

5. On Men - I am a Man, I assure you!

6. "Gods must be crazy", Yeah right!!!!

7. Sorry for the long gap in the tweets. Was caught up answering back to back emails...

8. Exactly who is this Steve Jobs guy and why is he changing my script? The Apple still belongs to Adam.

9. Audit meeting with Chitragupt, turns out we've been maintaining palm leaflets for records. Will press for automation.

10. Working incessantly to drive Six Sigma/Lean across the three sites (read three worlds)

11. Successful meeting today with counterpart Gods on fostering peace.

12. Signed up for Facebook today. All of India is following me already. Guess that beats Ashton Kutcher's record, eh?

13. @Shashi Tharoor - Thou shalt not tweet.

14. @Karan Thapar - Thou shalt not speak.

15. @Raj Thackeray - Tumcha jeebala kai haat, kai vaatthaye tya badbadta"

16. @Lord Shiva - Let's catch up on some Amrut today. My place, my treat.

17. @Leslie Nielsen - Big fan' o yours. Fancy a job as our court jester?

18. @Tiger Woods - You know where you are going after life, don't you?

19. @Javed Akhtar - Tamam Tallaffuz Takkalluff Tikrit Talluqaat Takhlia Takht Taj Takkiya. Sufferin' succotash! (PHEW!!!!!)

20. Having trouble reading some of the emails, need a multi-lingual adaptor. Anyone?

21. First and proud owner of the iPad V. 100.100. Comes with a built-in A/C and a chimney, just in case, you know.

22. @Steve Jobs – Dear Steve, if you are online and listening, please please let me have the iMac, iPod, iPhone and all other regular supplies of the iApps (This, as rhetoric to my request to God asking for the same sometime ago on FB)

Have a B-E-A-U-tiful day ahead,

@The Real God

You've reached the extension of Ram, Ravi, Manav and Koushik..........

Dear God,

Does that ring a bell? Right, that was the voice mail on the phone, the four of us shared for a long time!

Year: 2001

Location: Training room, Cyber Towers, Floor II

Occupants: Boss+12nos. and random

Room capacity – 1+4

Extensions – 1+3

Dimensions of the Trainers' room that we all shared and almost lived in back then. A cornerstone of the huge operations floor, that room epitomized learning and the learned.

Looking back, I can't believe we spent almost a year (or was it more?) in that tiny Trainers' room. That year saw a deluge of ramp ups and each of us including the Boss was laden with work. Some of us volunteered on Saturday and Sunday too. Somehow, the “5-day week” equation didn't look right.

Back to back sessions, sometimes across platforms/domains kept us on our toes all the time. Life at work seemed to be eternally dynamic. Preparation and after-class work just added to it. All we'd think of were classes, agenda covered on a given day and plan for the next day..

Oh! and how could I forget the paperwork!?! The best way to tell if you were a trainer was if you were on an island of papers. L1 and L2 assessments, galore! The countless excel sheets only gave us nightmares. At one point, the associate files had embraced each other to form a parasol in that room.

To top it, we had to work different shifts because of the paucity of systems and space. Everything from systems, seats and phones to space was shared. Koushik, the more Bossy kid only had to give the I-will-reduce-you-to-pulp stare and we'd readily make way :-)) To top it, he had introduced himself as a Kick boxer, our seeds were at his mercy.

Boss, and later along with Sanjeev, would put together the list of participants and divide the batches amongst us. The first thing we'd look for was the count of women in each of our classes. Almost always, one of us had to be disappointed. Yet again, Sanjeev had chosen most of the women to be in his class...We'd quietly slur a "Saala Sanjeev"!!

Boss had a unique way of communicating with us. I must admit he did that quite eloquently. A stroke through his hair followed by a "shoot" conveyed many things - "You are in deep shit, Mister", "Good God", "We should have done this differently" or "wait until your appraisal" amongst the many expressions exclusive to him.

At the end of every training programme, we'd exchange notes on the feedback from our classes. Not to mention the gifts we'd earn from each of the classes. A Shirt here, a table lamp there, wine glasses, Turtledoves, Chocolates, you name it and we had it. Our classes loved us.

Even as I write this account Dear God, I think of the times we jumped at an opportunity to do that extra bit. We never thought twice about how or when we'd get back home. The classes, the agents, the assessments were all we thought of. We truly worked as a unit.Joie de vivre was at its peak.

All in all, that year was the greatest and the most productive year of my life in the last decade. It will continue to remain etched in memories for a long time to come. That I still vividly recall having trained 10 training batches spanning a month each amongst other things is testimony to that. That tiny room holds a lot of significance in my life now, and will continue to. So many experiences, so much learning, so much of togetherness. It is very unfortunate that I couldn't carry a picture of that room when we moved out.

It took a lot of practice to record that voice mail. Creatively enough, while Koushik mouthed the entire piece, each of us took turns to announce our names!!

The quest for peace has begun....

Dear God,

As I inch (note inch, am actually far away) toward the twilight of life, I realize that there is little time and so much to do. More than a quarter of a century has gone into maintenance, rebound, maintenance and rebound again, altercations, fights and mute frustrations. Some of them will remain etched in memories for reasons good and bad.

However, there are some that are not even worth retaining. There have been people I have hurt (most often, without their knowledge). I have unfairly punished them by simply abandoning them. This, despite the fact that they stood by me in crises, helped me when I needed most.

I am positive as I retrospect, that it was sheer arrogance. It is not worth it, God. It is not worth anymore now, more than ever. As I age, I need to be lighter and cannot carry the burden of ill-will. Every episode was making me stoop with the overbearing weight. I cannot afford it anymore; cannot face you without an answer.

And so, it makes perfect sense to make amends starting now. My quest has begun. In my own little way, I have started apologizing to people from the past. I have been reaching out to people who have had to suffer my wrath for no reason.

I know some of them reserve the right and liberty to not pardon me for all that they went through. And that's perfectly understandable. But I don't want to give up. I will take it as my Karma to pursue and persist. Tell you what, I've already had a few encouraging responses. Good start, there.

Another task in hand is the promise I made for Haiti. I didn't keep that up. I've to turn that around as well. Money is due there and I have only churned out excuses to keep it. Not happening.

So help me God.