Pressed to call

Dear God,

It’s been a while since I visited here. Blame it on the mundane, uneventful, uncertain times we are all enduring…And yet so much has happened in the recent past – Obama’s bail-out plans, Top executives of AIG returning their bonuses from the bail-out funds, Sarkozy on an apparent trip of revamping his cabinet (like it were a wardrobe) with the choicest of good-looking women, Varun Gandhi’s demented speech, Mulayam’s dig at Ministhy Dileep or the war of words between Chidambaram, Jaitley and Modi over IPL. Too many events and yet not much to write about, if you know what I mean.

Scribbling is how I began here and I intend to keep it that way too. To save the risk of running out of thoughts and therefore voluntarily closing down this area, I thought I’d write something that transpired (Something I thought was funny. Exaggerated, but funny) recently.

A very good friend of ours had been out of touch for a long time. Unusual I thought, because it was he who would always initiate the calls, messages or the well-wishes. I knew he was going through a tough time (like all of us are) with recession biting in. So, I decided to call him for a change. Actually, I called him multiple times. Surprisingly, he would either not respond or choose to keep conversations REALLY short with a “In the middle of something, give me a minute and I will call you back”. Of course, that “minute” never transpired and I kept waiting until I was truly motivated to write this exaggerated and rhetorical mail….

From: Ramaratnam Sunderrajan

Sent: Tue 3/24/2009 9:19 PM

To: manavbhalla

Cc: aloktiwary

Subject: "In the middle of something, give me a minute and I will call you back."

Respected Mr. Manav Bhalla,

I, Alok Tiwary (ex-XX, employee code - 30353, SSO number - 500009567, Ration card number - will have to write back!) write to you on behalf of S. Ramaratnam, another co-worker from ex-XX (pass-out, Dec'08).

This has reference to the aforementioned subject. As you may see, the subject indicates an oft used statement by you. The words were constantly ringing in his ear all the time. He had reached a point of hallucination and was recommended therapy. The shrink who we consulted said that his mind was beyond repair and until and unless a call or a message (read a "Sadma") from the "Be-all and End-all" (read Manav Bhalla) of M/S The XXXX Corporation happened to him, there was no hope! Sir, I write to you to describe the appalling plight that our friend has been put through, just for want of hearing from you.

It is imperative that I mention here Sir, that S. Ramaratnam was extremely disgruntled and indignant at the fact that every time he attempted to call you, "refer-the-subject" is what he got. He would always wonder (in my presence, of course) as to why your respected selves were never in the left or right of something, why only the middle. This geometrical anti-theorem caused deep and unwarranted stress on his rather sensitive mind. It also appeared that every time he called you, you never greeted/addressed him by name. Instead, you would just say a rather insipid, pale, uninterested, morose, melancholic (think I've run out!) "Hello". It was as if, your high flying, revolutionary and technologically superior handset could not store his complete name. To what Sir, does he owe this pathetic condition?

Please treat this email as a humble plea to make time out of your endlessly busy schedule and call our common colleague who is now on the brink of being crowned the next King of England (ok, that's exaggerated, but that's what he thinks). It has been ages since we made any contact with you (phone or email). Needless to mention, there have been similar episodes in the past where we have been unsuccessful in making any contact with you.

Rhetorical and caustic as the email may appear to you, all laws of physics have been defied with the ringing in his ears. It has left many a physician/ist dumbfounded as to why the ringing does not emanate a sound audible to others around. A research committee has been identified to study and counter this unique and historical phenomenon.

Bhalla, we all are going through pressures of some form - big or small. Guess you got the message, please call!

Regards,
Ram

Chei peete?

Minu
Chei – Rs. 5/-
Lukmi – Rs. 15/-
Paaya – Rs. 15/-
Meals – Rs. 25/-
Minral water – Rs. 10/-

Wash Bashun ------------>
(No Smoking Allowed here)

Dear God,

In case you wondered what this is about, let me introduce you to the world of Hyderabadi Cafes. And if you thought the spellings were blasphemous, don’t blame me – they are a straight lift from my experiences sitting around in there. Oh! Before I forget the absolutely prickly warning sign, Ambumani Ramadoss did successfully put a check on smoking, but did not probably envisage the faux pas with warnings.

So let’s start with our day’s visit to the quintessential Garden Café or the Omega Café…

Dost: Kaisa hai be?
Me: Good hai, kya chalra?
Dost: Kuch nahi be, wohi roz-madra ki zindagi!
Me: Chal Chai maarte hai (I can’t get over why we are so violent in life, verbally too!)

At the Café, after we are settled down with our usual smokes (Devil may care Ambumani Ramadoss):

Waiter: Chei peete? (Unusual, because a waiter here never stops for orders)
Me: How, do chai, malai ke saath
Dost: Ek bas re, merko nakko (there you go, our Hyderabadi versatility, a bit of Marathi)

The waiter yells “Ek chei, malai maarke!!" at the shady, dark and scary-looking kitchen. You have to be there to believe the baritone, modulated voice of the waiter. While the tea cup makes its journey to our meanwhile clean-dried mosaic table, we admire the facility.

Dost (nostaligic): Abbe, yaad hai apan poora din Café mein ek chai pe ghanto baitthe the! “

(Around here, you could actually sit smoking and talking, sometimes without ordering for practically an entire day. No questions asked.)

Me: How be! Everything else has changed, not these joints. Thank God for that!

In the interim, our cup of Irani Chai lands with a THUD! accompanied by an empty cup. Now that’s a Hyderabadi Café for you – if you can’t have all the tea, share it! And Guess what, if you don’t get one, ask for it. “Ek emty laa do”!

So then you get to hear the various voices around you – some chatting business, some giving mouthfuls, some others taking earfuls!, all of it in staunch, orthodox Hyderabadi lingo. In here, as across HYD, your mother ka, sister ka take a completely different meaning. Swear words are customized to suit the tongue, if you like.

Let me name a few prominent Cafes – most of which we frequent purely to appease our nostalgic hunger pangs. Garden Café, Omega Café, Niagra Café, Alpha Café, Hotel Blue Sea….Man! the memories associated with each is just so filling. I still recall, these hangouts served as the best stress busters after an argument at home, a tiff with the bus conductor or a long, drab day at the college.

Another feature of these joints – customers, loyal regulars. Some of them can take you back in time and narrate how these joints sprung up, the historical significance associated with each of them. The customers know the waiters by their names, or so I think! (every waiter here is either a ‘Seenu Anna’ or a ‘Munna’). Some of the customers around here are so comfortable, they actually use the water glasses around to double up for wash-basins post a sumptuous meal.

Your neighbour could be anybody, smoker or non-smoker, labourer or businessman. There are no frills attached, no questions on dignity. Everybody here is a customer.

Coming back, we finish our “chei”. We call for Seenu or Munna, pay him “ek chai” 5 bucks and are out of the café in no time. No queues at the counter, no tipping required and best of all, there are no complaints. The tea here is all ready before orders and is served piping hot.

So God, the next time you are here in HYD, do visit one of these vibrant joints. Trust me, you will not be disappointed. Who knows, you might go back and start a chain too!

Cheers to Hyderabadi chei and the Café spirit!