What is the regress of man?

Dear God,

I just realized that its been over 2 years since I was last appraised. Its been over two years since I last earned a bonus!!!!

For someone who'd always been a performer and never a "B" player, it feels slightly weird to not have been appraised for this long...

The previous organization was not aware of my existence and now, I don't see myself lasting long for an appraisal, making it a 3-year streak...

My career sure is going somewhere, so what if it is regressive :-)

BP Oil Spill and Bhopal Tragedy

Dear God,

The quantum of publicity that the BP Oil spill is garnering is truly amazing. There are days when Anderson Cooper opens 360 with a "Day 70 and nothing has moved.." or "Despite repeated efforts, Tony Hayward refuses to make an official statement". CNN dedicates a good half-hour dose of the very latest as I tune in at 7.30 am.

Also amazing is how Plaquemines Parish President Bill Nungesser openly criticises the Obama administration for their lackadaisical approach to the disaster. Jimmy Buffet, Bob Redford, Bill Maher have been working hard and have been equivocal following BP's so-called "90% clean up". Today, Sanjay Gupta filled in for Anderson and he was equally vocal about the way treatment was meted out to the animals (mute sufferers of the tragedy). Every show makes you sit up and take serious notice, you just can't avoid following the developments once you have had a taste of it. Now that's journalism, responsible, in-the-face (I know, I know but excuse me for once) and powerful.

And all in all, CNN has with poignance conveyed the urgency, a sense of war-time. This is an episode in history that is hard to forget and will make generations to come cite as a major milestone.

A sharp contrast is the Indian Press and its shoddy coverage of the Bhopal Gas tragedy. 25 years and hence, we have seen the issue come up either when there was nothing as hot or when it was truly motivated from some quarter. How many news channels have reported so rigorously and religiously from Ground zero? How frequent?

Worse still, I am surprised that a disaster of such magnitude continues to escape headlines on International news channels like CNN. Seriously, a damp squib when compared to the due coverage BP Oil Spill has received. Isn't IBN a partner channel with CNN? Why can't the "Great" Rajdeep Sardesai put in a word and follow up consistently on projecting it across the globe? That is responsible journalism too, isn't it?

That may not be the solution, there are challenges I agree. Fine, but if we got swift actions on issues like the "Death row penalties", compensations for the tragedy etc, it is all credit to journalism. Why then, did we slip here? Should it have taken 25 years and should the result have been so meek? We are all equally responsible, we are all equally answerable to you, Dear God.

Forgive us for we know not what we do....

Of Newscasters and General awareness

Dear God,

You've watched these anchors on sports and news channels, haven't you? Tell me, what are the odds that they know what they broadcast? Do they do any homework before opening a show?

Anchorwomen, I have noticed, so often fumble on sports terms or names that come so naturally to us, men. Really, how many of them know names like a Messi, Vettel or a McEnroe? And at the risk of being branded a chauvinist, let me name a few women stars too - Court, King, or Komaneci???? Why, ask the women around about sport and chances are, you will get a very Kitchen-like "I don't follow sports" or "Who is that?" response.

Ask the "weather-casters". I'd be shocked if a large segment of them knows what the Tropic of Cancer/Capricon mean or why Hurricanes are named after women.

I recall this anchor who kept pronouncing Palakkad as Pallakad and Cuddapah as Cooddapah. And North Indians, especially, can't get the "zh" right for nuts. So a "Kozhikode" becomes a convenient Kozykode. I am not even venturing into the syntax errors or the pleonasms, or I could just go on. "Anyways", this one seems to be a hep word. Or these, "short-little", "great-many". Exactly what is being conveyed?

I get the feeling that journalism today is only about presentation, not about the quality of content or knowledge. Get a Bimbo or a swanky dude and you have a sterling, prime time show.

Here we are, the commoners encouraging kids to watch news channels to get a grip on pronunciations, names, general awareness and the world in general. What do they learn - Malapropisms, incorrect information and cooked up, coined up hep words.

I am not a media-basher, not at all. I respect all the learnings I derive out of the news shows and have the highest regard for seasoned campaigners like Larry, Prannoy, Sunit Tandon et al. All I am asking for is homework, and more of it of these anchors. Good homework pays and shows.

Petzschner Vs. Nadal

Dear God,

Did you watch last night's encounter on Center Court?

For a large part of the match, Petzschner kept Nadal under control, a rare sight.

Two things that really did him in - First serve errors and his stamina. While Petzschner's strength are his aces, the first serves still call for a lot of improvement.

Nadal was able to survive (and more than that) the grueling encounter purely because of his stamina. I think at a certain point, that's all that matters. If you have the stamina, all else will fall in place. Despite that little challenge with his thigh muscle, Nadal was able to bounce back and take the last two sets with outstanding conviction. This is what fighters are made of. Good going Nadal.

I noticed that there is not one outstanding about Nadal that you can rave about. He does reasonably well everywhere. The energy quotient, takes the cake. When all else perishes but if your energy is still intact, you have hit the home run. Exactly what happened on Centre court. Nadal was able to fight back due to supreme energy levels. What's more, he sapped the energy out of Petzschner making him run, and run he did like there were no tomorrow. But soon, he was all drained and out.

Having said that Petzschner is a promise. If he is able to circumvent his erratic first serves and avoid running up to the net too early, I think we have a true winner.

So Petzschner seems to be a new threat amongst many more East Europeans. Watch out Nadal and Fed.....

Mind of a Gizmozoid!

Dear God,

What's with this whole 'marriage' thing? Why does it seem to me that everyone is bothered about my marriage more than the power cuts, the yet-to-end Summer, the likely fuel price hikes etc?

Does anyone even care that I don't have an iPad, iPod, iPhone or an iMac? I have been depressed of late and all I have been thinking of is Apple. Does it concern anyone at all about how that must feel?

Looks like everyone is out to tender free advice on how it is getting late for me, how I should maintain continuity of lineage etc. Who cares, I do not have the iApps!!!!! I feel poorer, extremely deprived.

Are you listening, errr.....reading this? If yes, can I please have all of the iApps and a regular supply of their products as they transpire.

Forever indebted to you.....

A slap in the face

Dear God,

Last Sunday couldn't have been any better.

I was thrilled to watch Ram Jethmalani hit back at that obnoxious, disgusting and despicable Karan Thapar. Trust me, I am not a fan of Ram Jethmalani or his Machiavellian ways. However, when Ram walked out chucking the mike despite pleas from Karan to calm down, I just loved the moment. Finally someone to give it back to Karan. You had to watch that show to see what I mean. That moment was bigger and more exciting than an iMac.

A similar thrill was provided sometime ago by Raj Babbar. Babbar had just won the elections after his move over to the Congress. Babbar was being interviewed by Rajdeep Sardesai. During the course of their conversation, Sardesai provoked Babbar by questioning him on his politics of convenience; on how he would switch parties at will and to win seats. Babbar promptly retorted by reminding Sardesai that not long ago he was with NDTV before he moved over to IBN. Nobody questioned him then.

I despise Sardesai and consider every retort on him a personal victory. The Master of Slime and his minions have to be reminded from time to time that they remain servants of the society. If they can't exercise restraint on their material and its delivery, somebody has to slap them in the face.....

Kudos to Jethmalani and Babbar......

Karma and I

Dear God,

Today I saw a little girl (not over 9 years) sweep the floor and wash utensils at your's. What should I have done - protest, complain, report it to the head priest or just leave it at Karma?

If it is Karma, why do I complain about those talent shows that feature stiff competition amongst the 6-7 somethings? The pressure these 6-7 somethings go through.....pressure at school, at home........Why do I complain about the kids at the Mechanic's? The kid there fixes nuts and bolts on my Bike so I can ride smoother and safer????? If it is Karma, why is it this way? If I can look back and appreciate outstanding moments of my childhood, why can't every other?

If I had to raise a stiff about it, am I not depriving the kid of its livelihood? Am I not stealing its only opportunity to get something home to eat? Am I not defeating its family's ability to meet ends?

So what did I do at your's? Just watched, watched the kid wash utensils instead of letting it play, stay in school, learn......I am a hopeless, confused, ambivalent low-life mortal, Dear God.

And what about the ambiguity itself God, what am I to do with it? Every step, every juncture seems to present itself with grey.........I don't care if it is right or wrong, just give me that hint instead of letting me gawk like an idiot at situations.

Bhopal BlasPhemy

Dear God,

I am a commoner and I am not thinking who to blame - Warren, the US or the Indian Governments, UCIL, Eveready.... My access to information is limited to what turns out in the press. My concern is the thousands who were killed and the scores who inherited the ills of that fateful night.

A remote hope, a distant promise of justice results in a paltry compensation of Rs. 12,000/- and a rather feeble 2-year sentence for those responsible for that '84 episode. 26 years and on, is this all we could do for our own?

Politicians are engaged in continual exchanges, the Media is feasting on this controversy (and why not?) and the ridiculous debates on National television and the human rights' groups are executing the never-ending "blame games" vs. the system......

Amidst all of this, where is the victim of that disastrous episode - what about him, his kith and kin? Do we care? When......How......answers to which remain anybody's guess now. It is sickening to think of how we as a people of this great Nation (that we so often thump our hearts about) are incompetent of rehabilitation and relief for those affected.

Just how do you manage to be patient with us, Dear God? Don't you ever feel like brandishing that wand and wipe us out once and for all? Do you really think it is worth operating us anymore?

A trip to the city of Joy

Dear God,

Just got back from a trip to Kolkata. Ever since I got back, I have been fielding questions on the city, what it is like, the ethos, the culture etc.

To my mind, nothing sets it apart from any other Metro in our country. The sights and sounds around this place are a subtle reminder that you still belong to this great nation. As with any other place in India, Kolkata cannot do without the quintessential potholes, roads (or the lack of), traffic chokes, crammed buses, dirty surroundings etc. Nothing really different here.

Having said that, there are a few things that define this place:

1. Food - Awfully bland. Even the spiciest of dishes has to have a dash of sweet. Chilly Chicken had a funny and pretentious taste (the camouflage made it appear deceivingly HOT). Salted Lassi tasted suspiciously sweet! I am told that the food here is a reflection of the nature of people. Truly impossible for a loyal Hyderabadi to last long here.

2. Metro - Fastest, cheapest and undoubtedly, the best means of transport. The penetration though remains a lot to be desired. Also, someone pointed out that the Metro platform is supposedly the cleanest place in all of Kolkatta!

3. Weather - Perpetually sticky, regardless of the rise and fall in temperatures. I showered thrice a day in a vain attempt to stay dry and fresh,

4. Womenfolk - Dear God, you have been totally biased in saving up the best for WB. There is something about the women here, no adjective can truly measure up the beauty. I think you made up for all the lack of spice in the food here. I retained that awkward gape (exclusive to us, men) every time a thing (truly, with no disrespect) walked by. Wait a minute, are you thinking, "Thou shalt not gape"?

I am not the travel-and-explore kinds, so may be there is more to the city than met the eye. But what the heck, I liked the place nevertheless.

Ammappropisms

Dear God,

You've heard Bushisms, Sidhuisms etc. Try Ammappropisms, a portmanteau of Amma and her own appropisms.

Here are some observations I have made from time to time. Amma can come up with the wackiest, most spontaneous quip to break the ice or monotony. Be it the archetypal greeting or well-wishing, the (mis)pronunciations or the irrelevant comparisons she draws with conviction, she can have you in splits. Let me give you an example - She refers to the Great Sachin Tendulkar as "Waran Bhaath" (Marathi, for Dal-Chawal), can you beat that?!! Maybe her humour is unintentional but the spontaneity is unbelievable. What's more, most of the times, she doesn't even realize the wisecrack.

Well, here it is - Ammappropisms! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did, observing...

Names:
Karthik calling Karthik - Karthik is Kaaaalling!
Sharmaan Joshi - Idha Yidiot (Here's the Idiot, in reference to his role as one of the characters in 3 Idiots)
Ganguly - Gangowlee
Daler Mahendi - Dhalbir (Although that could be a legitimate name too)
Diana - Dayana
Joseph - Josep
Brijpal - Bridgepal
Gower - Gawar
Nine - Nayan
Degaashun Kaapi - Decoction Coffee
Shaniyanpudichavan - Md. Azharuddin, when he abandoned his first wife for Sangeeta Bijlani

Typical greeting and almost any time of the day or night
"Kunjalam, Chaaptiya?" (Kunjalam - My sister. Chaaptiya - Did you eat?)

Well wishing, again any time of the day or night
"Inniki yenna chamayal unga aathula?" (What's cooking at yours today?)

Shock
For the skimpily clad - "Poruma!?!?!" (Is that enough?)
Bipasha Basu - "Chi!!!!"

Familial connections
"Idha Mamiyaarum, Maatuponnum" - Let me do this in Hindi - "Lo, Saas aur Bahu." (In reference to Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth and the Late Diana, Princess of Wales sharing screen space on a documentary.)

"Appa, Pullai, Maatuponnu, yellarum ore picherla" - Hindi again, for cheap thrills - "Baap, Beta aur Bahu saare ek hi cinema main". (In reference to the Great Amitabh Bachan, Abhishek and Aishwarya in Bunty aur Bubly.

Amusement
She gets excited looking at Sidhu laughing and jumping up and down in his chair, doesn't care two hoots for the poor stand-up comedian's efforts. (Actually, I don't blame her, it is Sidhu's uncanny knack at play again)

You've gotta see the amusement in her face when she watches the ZooZoos in action.

Diet
"Ennakku rotiyum, Sabziyum" (No matter the kind of restaurant)

Show-off
"Engaam rombo perishu. Perrikki, thodaikaradu romba kashtum" - "Ours is a big house, quite a task sweeping and mopping around". A smart way of indicating that she lives in a mansion of a flat without boasting.

"Yengaatula romba periya TV irrukku!" (Referring to our LCD, "we have a very big TV at home")

Nomenclature
Any form of Non-Vegetarian food - "Mattedu" (The other)
Snakes - Periyavaal (The elders). Don't ask me, I have never been able to figure that one out either.

Irrelevant comparisons
"Nanna oodhungo, yennaiyum engya kondu vaiyyungo" (Smoke more and hard, pledge me somewhere too)!!!!!!!!!

"Pattham class padichittu ithara periya cricketer aanaanaa?" - when she was told that the Great Sachin Tendulkar is rumoured to have studied upto Std. X

Kanathukulla kalla potamaari irundha - She remained as silent as the stone that was pelted into the well!!!

"Gavaskara paar, kutti kutti runna cheti daan 100 undakinan" - Look at Gavaskar, all of his singles used to add up to those 100s. This was in reference to her philosophy that little savings added upto the Big Money!!!!

Panacea
"Chandanam pottukko" - Apply Sandalwood paste. This held good for all ailments - topical and sub topical, regardless.

Phone skills
"Balance illai!" (No balance in my phone account) - when she were not interested in a conversation and wanted to keep it short, or when the other party didn't give Amma space to talk.
"Hello!, naan maami maatlaadutunna...." (Maami is how she announced herself to everybody, no matter how old or young, known or unknown.



All said and done, my Mommy CUTEST!!!